The Inheritance That Has Nothing to Do With Money

A Father's Day reflection on the most valuable thing my dad ever gave me, which was never going to show up on any account statement.

Read the full article: https://news.americanretirementadvisors.com/fathers-day-the-real-inheritance/

American Retirement Advisors helps families in Arizona and Nevada navigate healthcare, retirement income, and inheritance planning. Want to reach out? Text us at (602) 281-3898, email support@americanretire.com, or visit https://americanretirementadvisors.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the American Retirement Advisor, coming to you from One to Three Z Studios. Real stories, real strategies, and straight talk about healthcare, retirement income, and inheritance planning. I'm Ian Schaefer, joined with Eddie and Betty. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_05 0:16

Welcome in, everybody. Happy Father's Day. We are setting the usual planning talk aside this morning, the accounts and the strategies and all of it. Because today, our COO, Ian Schaefer, wrote something a little different. And I'll be honest with you, this one just hit me. It's personal, it got me a little emotional, and it's about fathers and about the one part of an inheritance that never shows up on a statement. I wanted to sit down and really talk it through with you.

SPEAKER_07 0:44

It is a different kind of piece, isn't it? And I'll be honest, this is the kind of thing we don't say out loud enough in our line of work. We spend all our time on the numbers, and Ian just sort of steps back and says, wait, the most valuable thing my father ever handed me was never a number at all.

SPEAKER_05 1:00

Right, and that's the line that hooked me. So let's set the scene the way he does. He grew up watching his dad do this work, not reading about it, watching it. Decades of it.

SPEAKER_07 1:10

Decades. And picture what that actually means. Ian talks about his father sitting at kitchen tables, walking people through some of the hardest decisions of their lives, being, as he puts it, the steady voice in a room full of worry. And a young person is in the house seeing that over and over for years.

SPEAKER_05 1:28

And you don't realize you're absorbing it. That's the thing about being a kid around a parent's work. You think you're just hanging around, but you're actually learning the whole time.

SPEAKER_07 1:38

You're learning the part nobody teaches in a class. Because the technical stuff, the policies and the forms, you can learn that anywhere. What you can't learn from a manual is how to sit with the frightened person and be steady. That you pick up by watching someone you love do it.

SPEAKER_05 1:55

So here's the heart of it. Ian says the most important thing his dad ever gave him was never going to show up on a statement. Eddie, unpack that, because I think for a lot of our listeners, money and what dad left me are kind of the same sentence.

SPEAKER_07 2:10

They are, and that's exactly the assumption he's gently taking apart. He says what his father really gave him was a way of seeing people, and he lists it out. Lead with the person, not the product. Tell someone the truth, even when the softer version would be easier, and frankly, more profitable. Your name is worth more than any single deal.

SPEAKER_05 2:31

That middle one is the one I'd underline. Tell the truth even when the softer version is easier and pays better. That is not a small thing to live by.

SPEAKER_07 2:40

It's the whole ball game, really. Anybody can tell you what you want to hear. It takes character to tell you what you need to hear when the easy answer would have put more money in your pocket. And Ian is saying he watched his dad choose the hard, honest version again and again until it just became who he is.

SPEAKER_05 2:59

And he didn't learn it from a lecture. He's clear about that. He learned it from watching how his father treated a worried widow the same way he treated his biggest client.

SPEAKER_07 3:10

Like family, that's the word he uses. Same care for the person with almost nothing as for the person with everything. And listen, that tells you everything about a person, doesn't it? How they treat the people who can't do anything for them.

SPEAKER_05 3:23

It does. You can fake a lot of things, but you can't fake that, not over decades. So he calls that the inheritance he actually carries. Not a number, a way of doing things.

SPEAKER_07 3:35

A way of doing things. And I love that he reframes the word inheritance like that, because most of us hear inheritance, and we picture a check or a house. He's saying the real one was a standard, a way of showing up.

SPEAKER_05 3:48

Okay, and this is where he turns to the part that I'll just read his phrase because it's so good. The part that does not fit in a will. Eddie, this is our world, so let's be fair about it. The documents do matter.

SPEAKER_07 4:01

They matter enormously. And Ian is careful to say that. The accounts, the policies, the trusts, the beneficiary forms, all of it matters. And he literally says, we'll be back to it tomorrow. None of that is being waved away. That's the everyday work we do here, and it's important work. But none of those papers can hold the most valuable thing a father passes down. They can't carry his judgment, his values, what Ian calls the hundred small lessons in how to be a decent person and a steady hand. There's no form for that. There's no line item.

SPEAKER_05 4:36

And I think that's worth sitting with, because so much of estate planning is about getting the paperwork perfect, naming the right beneficiary, making sure the trust is funded, all of that. And it should be perfect. But the perfect paperwork still can't transfer the most important thing.

SPEAKER_07 4:54

It can't. The form moves the money. It cannot move the wisdom that made the money mean something. Those are two completely different transfers, and only one of them goes on paper.

SPEAKER_05 5:05

So how does the other one transfer? Because if it's not the will, what is it?

SPEAKER_07 5:09

He says it transfers in the time you spend together, in the stories you actually hear, in the example you watch up close for years. So it's not a document, it's a relationship. It moves person to person, in real time, while you're both still here.

SPEAKER_04 5:26

Which means it can be missed. You can do all the paperwork right and still miss the bigger inheritance if you never slow down to actually be with the person.

SPEAKER_07 5:35

That's the quiet warning underneath all of it. The forms have a deadline and a signature line, so we get to them. The stories don't have a deadline until suddenly they do, and we never quite got around to them.

SPEAKER_05 5:48

Let's go to the line that I think is the engine of the whole piece. He says the families who do this best understand that money is the easy part of a legacy.

SPEAKER_07 5:58

Money is the easy part. Read it again and let it land, because it's almost backwards from how we usually think. He says the hard part and the lasting part is the character that comes with it.

SPEAKER_05 6:10

And then he gives this contrast that I keep thinking about. Walk us through it because it's really the core of the argument.

SPEAKER_07 6:17

It's two children. The first child inherits the wealth, but none of the wisdom that built it. And Ian says that child tends to lose both, the money and, in a way, themselves. The second child inherits the wisdom, and that one, he says, can rebuild the wealth from scratch if they ever have to.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Because the wisdom is the thing that made the money in the first place.

SPEAKER_07 6:39

Exactly. The money is the output. The character and the judgment are the engine. If you hand somebody the output but not the engine, they've got something that's going to run down, and they have no idea how to make more. If you hand them the engine, the output takes care of itself, even if they have to start over.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

And he says plainly, my father gave me the second kind, and I would not trade it for any size of the first.

SPEAKER_07 7:06

Any size of the first, that's a man saying I would not swap what my dad taught me for any number of dollars and meaning it. That's a remarkable thing to be able to say, and it tells you that dad did something right.

SPEAKER_05 7:20

Now, I want to make sure folks hear the practical turn, because Ian doesn't leave this as a nice sentiment. He gets specific about why he's telling us this today. So, Eddie, if your father is still here, what does he say to do?

SPEAKER_07 7:34

He says, go get the part that does not fit in a will. And he means it almost literally, not the account numbers, the stories. And then he gives you the actual questions to ask, which I thought was the most useful thing in the whole piece.

SPEAKER_05 7:48

Let's say them because somebody listening could use these this afternoon. Three of them.

SPEAKER_07 7:53

Ask him about the decision he's proudest of, ask him what he was afraid of when he was your age, and ask him what he hopes you remember.

SPEAKER_05 8:02

What he hopes you remember. Oh, that one. That's the question you'll be so glad you asked, and that nobody ever thinks to ask while there's still time.

SPEAKER_07 8:11

And his point is so plain it's easy to skip past. You are not going to get those answers from a document later. There's no folder where dad wrote down what he was afraid of at 35. You only get that from him now, while you can still pull up a chair.

SPEAKER_05 8:27

And I'd add, fathers of that generation, especially, a lot of them don't volunteer this. You have to ask. He's not going to sit you down, but if you ask, really ask, most of them will talk.

SPEAKER_07 8:40

They will. And often they're honored to be asked because nobody has. That second question, especially, what were you afraid of at my age? That one tends to open a door because it lets him be human with you instead of just dad.

SPEAKER_05 8:55

Now, he doesn't forget the other group, and I'm glad he didn't, because some of us listening, our fathers are already gone. What does he say to them?

SPEAKER_07 9:03

This is the part that got me. He says if your father is already gone, then maybe today is the day to notice how much of him you're still carrying anyway. The phrases you catch yourself repeating, the way you handle a hard moment.

SPEAKER_05 9:17

The phrases you catch yourself repeating. I do that. I'll say something and think, that was my father's voice.

SPEAKER_07 9:23

That wasn't mine. Everybody's got one. A thing dad always said that just comes out of you now. And Ian's framing is beautiful. He says that's him still working through you. That's what a real inheritance looks like. And it never runs out. It never runs out.

SPEAKER_05 9:40

That's such a comfort, honestly, for anyone missing their dad today. The money can run out. The thing he actually planted in you doesn't.

SPEAKER_07 9:49

And it keeps passing down. That's the part that gets me. The way your father handled a hard moment, you're handling yours that way. And your kids are watching you do it. So he's still moving through two generations he may never have met. That's a real legacy.

SPEAKER_05 10:05

Then he does something I really respect. He actually addresses his own dad right there in the article. He says his father is still at it, still helping families, still the steadiest person he knows.

SPEAKER_07 10:16

He says he wants to say it plainly, in the one place he has a microphone. Thank you, Dad. And then he tells us exactly what his father taught him. And this is where it comes home for what we do. He says, You taught me that the way you treat people is the whole job.

SPEAKER_05 10:32

The way you treat people is the whole job. Not part of the job, the whole job.

SPEAKER_07 10:37

The whole thing. And then he gets specific about the work nobody sees. And Betty, this is the part that hit closest to home for me. The preparation before the meeting, the follow-through after it, the small detail you quietly fix when no one is watching and no one will ever know to thank you for it.

SPEAKER_05 10:53

And his dad treated those little things as the big things. Because, and here's the line I want everybody to hear. The details that seem to go unnoticed do not actually go unnoticed at all. A family feels them even when they could never put it into words. A family feels them, even when they can't put it into words. That is exactly right. You can't always name why you trust someone, you just feel that they did the quiet work.

SPEAKER_07 11:20

You feel the care. You don't see the prep, you don't see the detail that got fixed at nine at night, but you feel that you're in good hands. And that feeling came from a thousand things you'll never see. That's what his dad understood, and that's what Ian says is the real inheritance, not a number, a standard for how to show up for people.

SPEAKER_05 11:41

And I love that he ties it back to all of us because it's not just about his family. He turns to every father reading and to everyone lucky enough to still have one to call.

SPEAKER_07 11:51

And the instruction is so simple. Make the call, pull up the chair. That's it. He's not asking anybody to do anything complicated today.

SPEAKER_05 12:00

And he's reassuring on the other stuff, which I think is important for our listeners to hear. The planning, the papers, the numbers. None of that is going anywhere.

SPEAKER_07 12:08

He says it'll still be here tomorrow, and that's true, and it's a relief. Because some people hear an article about a financial company and they brace for, okay, here comes the pitch, do this today before it's too late. And he does the opposite. He says, today is not for that. Today is for the chair and the stories.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

Which, when you think about it, is its own kind of trust. He's saying the relationship comes first and the business will keep.

SPEAKER_07 12:34

It's the whole philosophy of the article, lived out right in the ending. Lead with the person, not the product. He's doing the thing he says his dad taught him right there in how he closes. And the thing I'll carry out of this one is that line about the quiet work.

SPEAKER_06 12:50

The prep, the follow-through, the detail nobody sees. That's true in our work, and it's true in being a parent. The unseen stuff is the real stuff.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

It is. And maybe that's the gift in reading something like this on Father's Day. It makes you look at your own father or your memory of him. And notice the quiet work he did that you maybe never thanked him for.

SPEAKER_06 13:13

And then go do something about it if you still can.

SPEAKER_05 13:16

So that's what I'd leave you with today. If your dad is still here, go get the part that doesn't fit in a will. Make the call, pull up the chair, ask him the decision he's proudest of, what he was afraid of at your age, what he hopes you remember. You only get those answers from him, and you only get them now. And if he's already gone, notice how much of him you're still carrying, because that's him still working through you, and it never runs out.

SPEAKER_07 13:43

And when you are ready for the planning side, the papers and the numbers and all of that, that's what we're here for. American Retirement Advisors, 602-281-3898. But not today. Today is for the part no plan can give you.

SPEAKER_05 14:00

Thank you, Ian, for a piece worth slowing down for. To every father listening, and to everyone lucky enough to still have one to call, happy Father's Day from all of us. Go make the call. We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_07 14:14

A quick note before we wrap up. American Retirement Advisors does not provide tax or legal advice. Please consult a CPA or tax professional before making any decisions based on what you heard today.

SPEAKER_05 14:32

This is Betty with the American Retirement Advisor. Thanks for listening. If this episode helped you think differently about your retirement, share it with someone who needs to hear it. You can read the full article and browse hundreds more at AmericanRetire.com. Want to reach out? You can text us at 602-281-3898. Or email support at AmericanRetire.com. Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. We publish daily. See you next time.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Thanks, Eddie. Thanks, Betty. Until next time, this is Ian Schaefer coming to you from 123 Easy Studios. I hope you've enjoyed this recording of the American Retirement Advisor, where we make healthcare, income, and inheritance planning 123 Easy.